Beauty from Pain: Poetry of Brokenness

Coming out of the Closet (kind of?)

Tonight after my wonderful 9 hour shift of making pizza, I went up to the relay for life at the fairgrounds and walked and had some supper and thought about Grampa Krog's life and how Gramma has beat breast cancer and now colon cancer. On the way home though, of course, things turned to me. When I left, podunk Shelby County had raised over 25,000 dollars for cancer research, which is amazing, but sadly it stung a little.

See, I have a disease that is very common in the United States. I don’t know the official statistics, but I know a lot of people have it. Every one of you reading this has heard of my illness, or one of its closely related illnesses. In fact, I’m sure all of you have experienced a mild form of my illness at some point in your life.

This illness you ask? This illness is bipolar disorder and for me, some social anxiety piggybacks along with it. I have a mental illness which I will most likely struggle with the rest of my life. Bipolar is usually compared to your moods being on a roller coaster, cycling between periods of depression and being “manic,” which is kind of hard to describe. Think of having more energy and ideas and thinking you are a superhero and that is very similar to being manic. Its fun, but the body can only take so many sleepless nights, and turns out the musical I was writing on one hour of sleep isn’t as brilliant as I thought it was. . .

There are other hard decisions I’ve had to make because of this illness. The latest and probably most heart wrenching is the decision not to have children of my own. Now before you jump to conclusions, it’s not about genetics. Yes, that is a reason I put in the mix, but in the end it was one of the most minor swaying factors. Right now I’m on five medications, none of which can be taken safely during pregnancy. There are also no psychotropic medications approved to be taken during pregnancy, therefore while I would be pregnant, I would have to be off of all my medication.
Honestly, I dream of someday not needed my medication, but right now, I do, and having to live without it would be so hard on my husband and I (and probably anyone in contact with me!) Also a factor in this decision is that even now hormones affect me badly and I’m sure we have all heard stories of how badly they affect women during pregnancy! So, for the time being, I do not plan on having any children of my own, but you can count on me adopting a couple of kids! This decision is not set in stone either. As I grow and meet a guy and there are the inevitable advances in medicine, I could be able to have children of my own.

So, this is it. I’m coming out of the closet, although the site I’m posting this at, I believe everyone who reads it already knows, but who cares. I, Angela Mason have bipolar disorder. I am on five medications and have been hospitalized in the psychiatric wings of the hospitals in Hannibal and Quincy for a grand total of five hospitalizations. It has been 2.5 years since I have cut myself and 6 months since I was in the hospital last. I am not going to kill anyone else or myself even though sometimes it seems desirable. Yes, I think weird things sometimes, but I have learned that I just need to call my doctor and that although I don’t like being hospitalized, it is sometimes necessary. I am not afraid to talk about my illness even though I know there are a lot of people who don’t understand what it really is.

Dear friends, my biggest wish is that I could be open about my disease in real life and not just online.

Much love,

Angela

posted by Angela @ 6/03/2007 02:19:00 AM